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//Tuesday, May 20, 2008 1:05:00 PM
sleeping late
been sleeping really late this few weeks. i just couldn't get into sleep mode. u have played a big part in my life. now everything is just so different. i may seems to be okay on the outside, laugh and joke around in class with people. chat normally with classmates and friends. but deep down me, i know i am not okay. i can never be. days without u i must admit is torturing. in fact everyday single day was a torture. i doubt u know the feeling that i am suffering. one particular night, i called u bcos' u didn't reply me on where and what time to meet for installing photoshop. to my dismay, u said u're watching movie. enjoying life huh? it has been 20 days. people around me said u're not worth it. i asked myself, it is really true? i wanted to walk out of ur life. but i just couldn't. to me, now everyday is just an illusion. i lived every day in darkness. like i said in previous post. i didn't know where is light? where to go. what to do. my heart hurts. like got torn into pieces. i feel like a mess. i want to be strong and stand up. i want to move on. i really want to. but can u see how depressed i am? can u see that i am trying? all i want was a simple life. what i wanted is simple. i just wanted u by my side, walk thru ups and downs together no matter what. isn't that want u promised too? in one of ur letters u said. ur love for me was deep and stained with commitment. but come to think about it, is it really that deep and stained with commitment? why lied to me. being together was an april fool's joke too? so coincident we are together on the 1st of April. why? i kept asking why. i really didn't know what went wrong what really trigger this to happen. friends asked me to give up. to move on. but i just can't i don't know how to handle such situations. people say u're a jerk. are u? u say u will never be a jerk. did u remember how u say other people is a jerk when u heard of it? now it seems like every single word from u in the past cuts me deep on my heart. u made me wonder, is everything real or just illusion? or just purely, lies. is it? tell me.. how can u be so cruel. how could u...
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